My storybook is Tales from the Islands. The Philippine islands are where these stories originated.
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processed by ESA, CC BY-SA 3.0 IGO, Flickr
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ReplyDeleteHey there Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteYour story book has such a great start to it. Right off the bat the banner you used of the galaxy grabbed my attention and captivated me. This introduction did a great job at giving the reader and idea of what the stories to follow would be like. This introduction might have been a little lengthy but it was great either way. If your stories are going to be about the islands what if in the following stories to come you change the banner of each to a picture of the beach or of a small island. This is just an idea that I think could amplify you’re storybook even more. Tala seems like an interesting character and I look forward to seeing her progress in the following stories. This story book seems like it is on the track for success and I am looking forward to seeing its progress through the rest of the semester.
Hey Jacelyn, first off, I love your website design! I didn’t realize you could change the picture behind the header until I saw yours. It definitely helps set the mood for the story. I also like your attention to detail; your character descriptions, such as how Maria’s eyes would make anyone agree with her, was very descriptive. I definitely want to read more and see where the story’s going. I think having Tala as the narrator/observer could get interesting too. Obviously she’s not human, even if she does spend a lot of time spying on them, so she definitely provides a unique view, especially since she can see all from the sky. Something I noticed while reading your Intro was that you jump from passive voice to active a couple times (using “is” instead of “was”). You also describe Maria as being beautiful by human standards; what are star standards of beauty? Something to think about if you decide to expand on your story. I can’t wait to read the next part!
ReplyDeleteHi Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteI really like your banner image because it really goes along with your story and Tala, being the goddess of the stars. You can always make your title seem more captivating, too but what is is right now is good! I love the detail in your writing because it makes it seem as if I was there seeing everything happen. Poor Juan didn't know what was going to happen. I hope that he and Maria end up together because they seem so in love! Also, maybe Tala could help Juan out maybe as kind of a genie? Or she could help him from behind the scenes if there was like a competition for Maria's hand in marriage. I really have no suggestions for you to improve your story instead of just maybe adding some features to your website like buttons. The title really leaves me wondering. I imagine kind of a coliseum kind of event where the prize is Maria!! I can't wait to read more!
Hi Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteI just read your First Task story and absolutely loved it! Aside from the just the story itself I really appreciated how you went about formatting it. The utilization of dialogue was great and definitely made me as a reader, even more intrigued in what the characters were saying. Additionally, I really liked that you put an image in the middle of the your story to kind of break it up. This is something I have recently started to do on some of my own stories just because I feel like it gives it more of a storybook feel and allows it to be an easier read for those viewing it. I love your changes to the original story especially the creating of the Tala character. I agree with you in that she is such a strong character! I also appreciated that you tried to make the competition portion of the story more interesting. I definitely enjoyed reading it. Great job!
Hi Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading First Task, I was really intrigued and impressed. I love a good love story and this is a great start so far! First off, I loved the idea of the task before choosing a husband. I think that was a great asset and really made your story so intriguing. Sand and rice would be so incredibly hard to divide! Maria seems very level headed and I like that we really get to know her character in the first chapter. When Juan wasn’t able to finish the task, Maria stepped in to help and that is what love and partnership is all about.
I love how you incorporated Tala, the goddess of the stars. That really added the magical element in a love story, especially with a princess! Your writing is done so well and eloquently. You really did an outstanding job! I cannot wait to read the next chapter and see what happens next!
Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteThe intro to your story was beautifully told. I loved the depth of details that really immerse the reader in the world of your story. I also enjoyed the choice to use Tala as an omniscient narrator, observing the events that transpire on earth below. The one thing that I noticed was the phrase “take a breather” seemed a little more modern than the diction in the rest of the story, and doesn’t really match the dreamy, far-away world that the reader sees through Tala’s eyes. There were so many beautiful words and phrases throughout the introduction- you obviously have a gift for creative writing, and the intro left me excited to see what happens with Maria and Juan! One last question that I had as I read your intro- why is it called Tales From the Islands? You answer this question really well on your blog (here on the comment wall post), but maybe you could add that info to the home or intro page of your storybook.
-Kate
Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the concept of your storybook! I don't know any Filipino fairy tales, but my storybook is also focused on the concept of suitor tests. If I'd known about this one maybe I would have included it in my story! I like the pictures you included and the design of your storybook is very clean which I liked. I also liked your introduction of a new character, Tala, to help with the tasks. I think that definitely helps bind the story together. I also thought you did a really good job with character dialogue which really helped me get into the story. I do wish that you provided a little bit more detail into the characters themselves. Maybe some more backstory into their relationship and how they met. Or some explanation beyond the poor thing as to why the king doesn't like Juan. I couldn't tell if Juan and the king had met before or not. I can't wait to see how it ends!
Hi Jaclyn,
ReplyDeleteI love how unique your storybook is. Your introduction reads like the beginning of a great fantasy book! I think the set up of your website works really well, and the header images you've chosen really enhance the storytelling.
One thing I noticed about your storybook is that parts of the story are a little confusing. I think it would help a lot if you gave a basic overview or quick run-down of what the reader should expect on the homepage, even if it's just a sentence or two.
I also had some confusion on some plot points in the story. In the introduction, it seems like Maria has no control over who she marries and her father will make all the decision for her. ("My father said there is to be an important announcement tomorrow where he requested all the suitors to be in attendance. I fear he has already chosen someone for me to marry.") However, then in the first story, Maria's father said that he talked about the plan to choose a suitor for Maria with her and they came up with the process together. I think maybe changing Maria's wording when she's speaking with Juan in the introduction might help to clear up the confusion.
Also, I found myself wondering why the suitors didn't just use a sieve? I'm not sure when this story takes place, but I think sieves have been around for a pretty long time.
I'm really excited to read more of your stories. I think you have a really great concept and your writing is really fun to read! Good luck!